Zack Snyder and Fetish Cinema

Take a moment and watch this trailer.

Did it disturb something primal within? Did it make you resolute that your ass will be in the theater come release day, but at the same time you kinda don't want anyone to know exactly why you want to see it? Does any part of you want to use slow-mo so that you might get a glimpse of her panties under that deliciously short skirt? If the answer is no, then you might want to go watch Project Runway or some shit.

I don't know him, and I haven't read a single interview with him, but I'm quite certain that Zack Snyder is getting his freak on in front of millions of people. There isn't an ounce of actual sex in the trailer for Sucker Punch, but make no mistake, this is porn. Scrumptious, titillating porn. Zack has his finger squarely on the pulse of adolescent male fantasy in just about every conceivable way. And none of those ways are generic. His images are finely tailored and expose very specific desires. If Zack were a woman, you'd come home to find her wearing lingerie. She'd tie you to the bed and whisper, "I know what you want. That stuff you like, but are afraid to tell anyone else about because from that point on they'd look at you cockeyed? I'm gonna do it to you."

When you see a scantily clad woman with a sword, flying through the air towards a giant robot who is firing some mammoth machine gun, all in slow motion, you know it's about to get freaky all up in here. And the images keep coming, each as scintillating as the last. It's a complete nerdgasm. And this is nothing new for Zack. His last two movies are both highly stylized and highly fetishized. (I haven't seen his Dawn of the Dead remake, but I may have to put it in my Netflix queue)

300

This is the film that put him on the map. It's easy to label his depiction of the Spartans as homo-erotic (and many have), but I don't know. What boy/man wouldn't fantasize about being ripped and being able to fend off an entire army wearing nothing but a helmet, shield, spear, and a tunic? And doing it with brothers in arms. It's totally bad-ass. George-Washington-fighting-a-bengal-tiger-on-a-sinking-ship-in-the-middle-of-a-hurricane bad-ass. If anyone is looking for last minute gift ideas, I want a fucking huge print of that picture to hang in my man-cave. One part patriotic, two parts awesome.

The most weirdly unique and erotic thing about that movie were the women's nipples. It's like he intentionally shot all the nude scenes in a meat locker. Did he cast the actresses based solely on how big their erect nipples were? The world will never know.

Actress - "What scene would you like me to read from Mr. Snyder?"

Zack - "Just take your shirt off. Here. Take this ice cube."

Watchmen

Let's be honest, the first thing you see in your mind's eye when you think of this movie is a huge blue penis. (And if you didn't I GUARANTEE that is all you can see now. You're welcome.). But once you move past the large blue phallus, you come to the very stylized and glamorized fighting. The slow-motion really punctuates the action in a kind of erotic way. It's intoxicating. Then there is Silk Spectre II. Dressed like a superhero streetwalker, you'd gladly catch a beating from her if only she'd fuck you first. And she would fuck you. It would ALMOST be rape. If she killed you, you know you'd be be in heaven high-fiving those kids who had sex with with that hot teacher. The ones where publicly you were like, "How dare she.", but inwardly you were like, "If only I were that lucky at that age. Those kids are Gods."

Zack Snyder seems to specialize in wet dreams and Sucker Punch doesn't seem to be any different. Next he's making Xerxes, which looks to be a companion piece to 300. And it looks like he might be involved in a remake/reboot of Heavy Metal (how perfect would that be?). Whatever he makes, I'll be in line, no questions asked.

Keep your cockeyed stares to yourself.

Blu-ray Sampler, Unforgiven, and the School of Theme

Amazon had a buy-one-get-one-free Blu-ray smorgasbord. I drank deep and ate hearty at this particular High Def feast. 300, The Road Warrior, Christmas Vacation, Big Fish, Unforgiven, and Stranger Than Fiction. Amazon delivered them in their typical quick-as-lightning fashion. I ripped them open and planned to sample each for a few minutes just to be sure they were OK.

First up was 300. The visuals and audio fidelity blow me away. Leonidas is just as bad-ass as I remember him. Obvious homo-erotic imagery aside, this is a man's movie if there ever was one. The packaging itself must be laced with some sort of skin absorbed testosterone because after watching just thirty minutes of this bad-to-the-bone film I was ready to run out into the wilderness and kill a ferocious animal with my bare hands while screaming "I am MAN!" I would then club the nearest woman and drag her off by her hair*. It is that primal.

I tear myself away from 300 and throw in The Road Warrior. This is certainly another "guy" movie. Beautiful scenery with some nice vehicles, Mohawks, and women in shoulder pads. After another 30 minutes I somehow manage to hit the eject button so I can sample Christmas Vacation which is D.O.A. on account that the sound is out of sync for about 30 minutes. Bummer. Oh, well, on to Unforgiven.

I start to watch. This is one of the very few westerns that I like. The cinematography is wonderful. The music is pleasant and soothing. Suddenly the end credits are crawling. Two hours and ten minutes gone in a flash. I'm in complete awe. This happens, oh roughly every time I see it.

Unforgiven is a textbook study in theme. I'm not sure it even has a peer in that department (don't quote me on that). The notion of what it takes to kill another person is explored so thoroughly and from so many angles that you can't help but marvel at it's near perfect story structure. It's a two hour clinic. Screw the books.

This is what movies are about.


*Yeah, I know. That's chauvenistic and I'm a terrible person. Wanna fight about it?